Author: UnitedHR

An ‘Unkind’ Way to be Kind

Negative criticism, telling someone they are rejected could sometimes be the kindest ‘unkind’ things we do for them.

Anisha has had a not-so-great interview. It was just one of those days. She knew it had not gone too well, and she just wanted to move past it. She wanted to now look into what could be done next. She was prepared for a ‘no’ and just wanted to hear it so that she could plan ahead.

Instead, what she received in her e-mail was something else. She was told that they find her promising and they will reach out to her as required.

She did not like this. Why? We will get to that reason soon.

Let us look at one more scenario before that.

Ashu had been assigned to mentor an intern named Vikas. Vikas was quite eager to learn- he often accompanied Ashu to major meetings, and networking events to get more ‘real world’ experience. The only issue with Vikas was that he sometimes said things out loud a bit too bluntly. Where someone could have been wrong, Vikas simply pointed it out. There was no constructive feedback, or no follow up questions that may give the other a chance to speak about their side of things. Ashu noticed this habit and wanted to point it out to Vikas but he held back fearing it might upset their dynamic. Or that Vikas might not take it in the right spirit.

Ashu’s approach was not the best if we look at it in the long run. Why?

The reason is the same as why Anisha also did not like that e-mail she received.

The reason being a lack of honesty and in turn, lack of clarity.

When Anisha is left with that uncertain e-mail, it gives her false hopes. Thoughts will come to her such as  ‘They are saying they find me promising so I guess I still have a chance…’ or ‘What if they call just when I take up another job?’

If they had simply said that although she is promising, her profile does not fit what they are looking for, Anisha would have got that message loud and clear. A negative message for sure, and a bit of a heartbreak even, but she would know that it’s time for her to move on and look elsewhere.

When Ashu refrained from telling Vikas that the latter needed to be wiser with his interactions, speak more gently, be a better listener, more curious and less judgmental, Vikas would have known what was the issue with his ways. He would have learned something about himself. After all, Ashu is the mentor, and it is okay if he points this out, in fact, he should point this out. On the other spectrum is of course, the bluntness that we saw in the intern’s ways of speaking, which needs correction.

The current culture tells us to be kinder to each other. We see tons of online content, telling how people might be struggling with their own silent battles and thus we should be more considerate. We are often scared to tell people something clearly, and hope that the issue will resolve itself.

This is seen in the form of professional ghosting, feedback sandwiched in jargon or feedback that is more about pointing out mistakes and less about giving clarity about the corrections needed.  Feedback that doesn’t tell anything concrete. Ultimately all these forms of communication with a lack of clarity lead to systems lacking transparency.

Clarity and honesty are gifts that could act like (somewhat) bitter medicines that ultimately lead to good. Saying no, giving negative but constructive feedback, calling the situation as it is- these all lead to clarity, redirection and ultimately growth. We can be kind with it. In fact, sometimes, that is the kindest thing we can do to.

Will you Choose the Forest or the Bouquet?

Some situations demand us we wait patiently for the forest to grow, while sometimes, we need the instant joy of the gift of a bouquet. Read on.

image showing a plant and a bouquet to talk about creating systems

Say, you have been given some seeds, and it is expected that you will grow a forest out of it.

How would you go about with it?

Perhaps you will first try to determine in which soil do the said seeds thrive the most. Their nutrient requirements, how much water and sun do they need- all of this will be followed consistently.

You will know that since a forest is expected, it will take a long while. You may see the signs of the forest over the months and years, through the growth and such, so it’s not that you will not get any rewards or signs of your care in regards to the seeds.

But since you are to grow a forest, which may take a generation or two to grow, you will create something that will enable the future generations to also care and nurture that forest. Perhaps a guide or a set of instructions that lets one know how to care for the shrubbery grown so far, so that it one days grows into a forest. And continues to grow, with or without you.

You, and the ones who care for it will get the rewards in the form of the flowers and the fruits and medicinal herbs and countless other use that a growing forest rewards us with. Insects, birds, small animals, the microorganisms in the roots and the soil underneath- everyone will benefit.

Growing a forest takes some planning, time and effort. But once the system is in place, it thrives on its own, and it benefits not just the person who planted the first seeds and cared for it, but even the ones who become a part of that system, directly (through its nurturing and care) or indirectly (the ecosystem around it).

Now compare this with buying a bouquet of flowers from the market.

It will require some money, a good aesthetic taste, knowledge about good florist shops in the city. Once the bouquet has been gifted to someone, they will be quite pleased by it. They will probably try to preserve it for a while by keeping it in a pot for some time. They may preserve it longer after following some tricks and tips. They may decide to preserve the flowers for ten more days, and may reach that goal. Eventually, those flowers will wither away. Unless, someone knows how to replant something. Unless, they follow a system.

The difference between the gift of a forest, and the gift of a bouquet is a system.

A quote by author James Clear comes to mind:

Goals are for people who care about winning once

Systems are for people who care about winning repeatedly.

We believe both mindsets are necessary, and it might be a wise thing to understand what the situation demands of us.

The choice is ours. Depending on the situation, we may decide if we want to invest in a bouquet or a forest. Short-term or long-term.

Winning over a client through some research about their preferences, their company- that is working towards a goal.

Brainstorming an idea with the team, and eventually concretizing the best idea- that is working towards a goal.

Starting a company of your own with its own operations and objectives, such that over time even people other than you, the founder may benefit through it, and be able to understand, follow and improve upon those operations and objectives- that is working up a system.

Starting a new department in a company, which takes into account the demands of the competition and that which also integrates the company’s objectives and culture- that is working up a system as well.

Goals are for the now, the immediate, the near future. They get completed. Objectives get accomplished.

Systems are built in the now and thrive through later; from the past, to the present, and for the future. They grow. They adapt. They live on.

Working on a goal, and working on a system, are both necessary. They both require different mindsets. Which of the two do we need to take up is a choice we can make. A choice that can make the kind of difference we want to make. Creating systems calls for choosing to create the forest; needing to do something now calls for the bouquet.

Do you Matter at your Workplace?

Feeling like one matters at work can help in stress-reduction, employee-retention and opportunities for growth.

Priyam has been working at his company for two years now. He is in-charge of the sanitation and cleanliness management staff at his office. Although he works in a corporate office, his is not your typical high-profile corporate job one would associate with power and prestige. The income is decent- not too high as compared to certain jobs. But he is happy at his job, and he likes going to work.

Prita has been working at a different company for two years now. She is in-charge of the marketing department at the company. A high-profile, high-power, high-earning job. Since she is in-charge, she often gets to delegate work, which also reduces her stress- and work- load by quite a lot. But she is not happy at her job, and she does not like going to work.

What is it that makes a difference to these two employees? Objectively, on paper, Prita should be the happier person. After all, she earns more, is on a more prestigious position conventionally speaking, and definitely is supposed to have more clout at the workplace. But why is it that the opposite is the case?

The answer is simple but profound- Priyam feels like he matters at work. Prita doesn’t feel like she matters at work.

Priyam’s company makes him feel that he matters at work. His job is not that high-stakes and high-profile- hid company won’t lose millions if she falters. But he nevertheless matters, and is made to feel that he matters. His boss Shweta routinely appreciates his work. She thanks him for the work he does at the company. He and his work are treated with respect. He gets opportunities- in fact, Priyam started out as a simple cleaning staff member, and eventually, rose to become the head of that department. His work might not be conventionally ‘high-profile’ but everyone in the company understands and respects the effort that goes behind keeping the office space clean, organised. Right from the handwashes in the bathroom, to the plates and cutlery in the kitchen, everything is in perfect order thanks to Pushpam and his team.

And everyone, especially Shweta understands this value that Priyam generates. More importantly, Shweta communicates this to Priyam. Priyam and his work matter. Priyam feels this way, and that makes him happy at his job.

Prita on the other hand feels like she doesn’t matter at her job. Her boss Anil, although appreciates Prita’s work and her team-management skills, he doesn’t communicate that. No matter how much of a success a project by Prita garners, she almost never gets a ‘good job’. It has been long since Prita has received any acknowledgement to her contributions to the company. A certificate perhaps, a token of appreciation, but that is it. Regular words and regular actions do not make Prita feel like she matters at work or what she does is appreciated. Since Anil is uncommunicative, Prita’s other colleagues reflect the same mindset- if the boss herself doesn’t say anything nice, they also don’t feel the need to appreciate Prita.

Prita wonders if she is doing something wrong, and if the certificates and tokens are just formalities. Her confidence levels have come down over the years at the company, despite being the head of a department herself. Prita feels this way, and that makes her unhappy at her job.

It is a simple matter of feeling like one matters at work.

As people working among a collective of professionals, whether we are employers, or colleagues, according to research by Psychology Today, making our employees or fellow co-workers feel mattered at work can contribute to their general well-being, job satisfaction, and lower chances of burnout, stress and anxiety. It can lead to one being happier in leadership positions. Moreover, it can also lead to higher employee retention.

So, what can we do to make our employees and/or co-workers feel like they matter at work? Simple things, such as:

  • Thanking people for their work. Acknowledge their efforts. Not just through tokens and certificates, but say it through your words and actions. Even simple recognition can go a long way.
  • Let people know you have belief in their capabilities. If you are at a mentorship position, you can also provide them opportunities to grow so that they realise that you genuinely care about them, and haven’t just hired them for convenience.
  • When you observe something remarkable about people, don’t simply keep it to yourself- make it known that you see what they are doing. If you are the boss, this acknowledgement will hold even more weight.
  • If you aren’t the boss, you can still tell someone how you appreciate their work, and if you have opportunity, you can bring it up in front of everyone, or at least communicate that to your boss.

At the core lies the fact that people who do the hard work should know that you see them.

Psychology and age-old wisdom say that, often the key to living a fulfilled life is not happiness. It is meaning. And the first step to finding meaning at work, is to feel that what we do matters. That what we do is a meaningful contribution to the fabric of our profession. When we find this meaning by feeling like the work we do matter, happiness soon enough, follows.

Don’t Forget to Enjoy the Game While Scoring Goals!

image of a goal and a clock representing living in the moment while setting goals

What is common between someone waiting for their promotion and a grumpy toddler in the car asking every five minutes ‘are we there yet’?

They both keep waiting for a destination, and they ignore the wonderful present.

We have all been there. We wait for the perfect moment, the perfect reward to find happiness and purpose. Once xyz happens, I will be/do abc. We can use this template for any number of instances:

  • Once I get that promotion, I will be happy.
  • Once I get that job, I will be happy.
  • Once I get happy, I will be able to engage with my job in a better way.
  • Once I land that job, I will start living a healthier lifestyle.
  • Once I finish this task, I will give more time to my family.
  • Once I achieve my goal…then…

A cycle of promises that might never end.

Go back to maybe ten-fifteen years ago. Did you have the same goals? And did you make some of these conditional promises to yourself at that time as well? For some of us, this thought experiment may lead to a sense of accomplishment- that we were able to indeed fulfil some of those promises. You may have promised yourself that you will learn time-management better once you finish your exams and have more mental space to make priorities, and you did manage to learn that. You may have promised yourself that once you reach a certain post, you will buy your first car, and you did manage to buy it. You may have promised yourself that once that goal has been achieved, you will become happier and life will become better. Life may have become happier and better for a while.

Did that last? 

Look at us now, using the same template of making promises to ourselves, delaying our happiness. Delaying our sense of gratitude.  Living in stress, and waiting for goal to be fulfilled. Waiting to arrive at the destination, ignoring the journey.

The goalposts of life are forever moving, forever in making. Once we achieve a goal, we build a new goalpost. The significance of the old goal and the goalpost slowly starts to wane.

Once we achieve a goal, we often forget to look around and instead keep looking straight ahead.

Of course, it is good to plan things ahead and think long-term. It is great to have foresight. But it is also necessary to remember Life is always moving ahead, it always goes on. And it WILL bring new aspirations, new landmarks, new promises, new conditions.

And one must not forget to enjoy the process, enjoy the present. Doing so lets us:

  • Enjoy the results of that thing one worked really hard for.
  • Pause and notice what is around us, that may help us to actually work on our processes for our goals in a more precise manner. Imagine worrying so much about who to network with once we get that promotion, and forgetting to network with our present colleagues and seniors who may have a lot to offer!
  • Be happy in the present moment.
  • Find meaning in the present moment and find meaning when life goes in flux. Take the very unfortunate scenario of not being able to achieve the goal for some reason, despite the hard work. Having enjoyed the process, one would have garnered many life lessons, professional and personal development and insights about what could have been done better. One would be developing a healthy respect for their present situation, while looking forward to what lies ahead. Not having enjoyed the process? One would go into an existential crisis of sorts- one might feel that now that the goal hasn’t been achieved, everything that gave meaning to your life may feel like it’s lost. Why? Because the goal had become everything.

So, as we set goals, let us enjoy the process of reaching that goal. The goalposts will keep shifting, and the game shall go on. And the point is to enjoy the game nevertheless.

Retelling the Stories of Disappointment

Disappointments are a part of life. We can retell the ‘stories’ of disappointment we tell ourselves to grow and move forward through them.

image depicting ways to retell stories of disappointment
  • Ankita had a look of utter disappointment on her face. Her proposal about a project had been rejected. She had worked hard for it, and although she did realise the few gaps in her work, she felt it was still good enough to be considered, with some minor tweaks.
  • Anu had been giving interviews the entire week and none of the companies she interviewed for had called back. She was starting to think if she even had the bare minimum qualifications, given the lack of positive response to her interview.
  • Adit had just been sidelined for a position, in the final round of his interview. Till the very last stage, he had been ahead but the last task gave the other candidate a major edge, which ultimately was their gain and Adit’s loss.

Do these scenarios evoke a stressful negative memory in you? We all must have faced disappointments like these or worse. A project we worked hard on didn’t turn out the way we wanted it to be. Expectations crashed. Or an interview we thought we had aced only to realise we missed out on the job by an inch. Or a professional networking relationship we had invested in, hoping the client will accept the pitch we provide utlimately, only to realise the client chose a different pitch.

Disappointments are a part of life. Professional and personal. How someone else- a person, a panel or a committee responds to our ideas, or how our ideas land in a situation is beyond our control.

What is in our control though is the story we tell ourselves. And how we use that story to progress and improve ourselves. In our earlier articles, we have talked about the power of storytelling in pitching, networking and ideating.

We can harness the power of a different kind of ‘storytelling’ in how we look at our disappointments as well, because at the end of the day, we are all telling ourselves stories about what we do.

Ankita told herself the story that her project proposal got rejected, the one which she worked so hard for, and that which she thought was enough to get accepted.

  • She can retell the story in a different way: Although her project proposal was rejected, she has this draft of the proposal ready the next time she is asked to pitch in her ideas. All she will need to do is fill in the gaps which she has spotted already. And suddenly, she feels motivated and ready with something for the next time. She moves forward through this disappointment.

Anu told herself the story that none of the companies she interviewed for have called her back yet.

  • She can retell the story in a different way: Although she hasn’t heard from any of the companies she had interviewed for as yet, she has gained so much experience in giving interviews this past week, and has her name in the databases of all these companies, and any day she may be contacted, if not right in the near future as the first preference, then as a silver medal candidate. This retelling helps her release some negativity from her mind, and also gain some confidence in her skills, which might help her to crack the next interview, who knows.

Adit told himself the story that he just lost out on the position in the last round, and another candidate edged past him.

  • He can retell the story in a different way: Although he lost out on the job, he has developed a possible network of seniors and colleagues who have actually seen him progress through the rounds of the interview, the rounds where right until the end he had been the top performer. They have seen his strengths and weaknesses. He can actually approach one of them as possible mentors perhaps. Or the visibility he gained through the rounds of the interview itself opens doors to many possibilities. Possibilities of networking, future opportunities and mentorship. Again, he moves forward through this mindset, whether it’s seeking mentorship to improve upon himself, or finding opportunities elsewhere.

Note that in any of these examples, there is no reality denied. At the same time a sense of possibility is not denied as well. It is not toxic positivity- it is looking at things as they are from a different frame of mind. It is a story that helps one move past the disappointment. It is a story that helps one to move forward.

Disappointments are a part of life, but how we frame those disappointments in our minds decides the long-term outcomes of these disappointments. Disappointments can remain stories of disappointment. Or we can retell these stories and find ways to make the best of them. We can grow and move forward through them.